If you purge, it will get clean

My friend came. She is a saint. She came on Thursday. Both of us have kids, little kids, so it made it harder to really put a day in, but she was here for about 3 hours and we made some progress. I really wanted to finish flinging the playroom/craft room. With her help I was able to clean up the mess I had made from pulling all my sewing stuff out and then separate some toys and move some boxes and the best part was that we moved the piano out of the dining room. That is part of the "grand scheme" of decluttering! There is still a LOT of work to be done. It was nice to have a second pair of hands because it a) kept me on the task and b) there was someone else to distract my kids and c) she made me think objectively about my stuff. I was able to look at a couple of broken dishes and say "Hey, these are JUST broken dishes! It doesn't matter how pretty they were. They are not special because I can't even think of where they came from. So goodbye broken dishes!" And in the trash they went. I was also able to throw away a Barbie item from my childhood. I am a touch sad about that, but it is gone. It had no purpose in my home. It was part of a set that has long been broken and irreparable. I loved the way it felt in my hands. That was really the only reason I liked it. Oh geez, I think I'm gonna shed a tear over this! I am rather pathetic.

So, was I embarrassed? Well my dear saintly friend has not even seen the tip of the iceberg. She has not seen "The Shed" otherwise known as "The Studio" and I am coming up with a snazzy name for it after it is cleaned out. Any suggestions? To answer the question now, no. I wasn't. She is the most loving and accepting person I know, which is why I called her. She has helped me clean my house before when the baby was really little and I was feeling very overwhelmed. And she always pooh pooh's me when I apologize for the mess. She says she has been praying for service. Well I'm glad I can be the service project. (Please sense my sarcasm here) Anyways - we have another "date" for Tuesday morning. She comes right after she drops her boys at school and brings her daughter who is the same age as my 2nd son. Then she has to go around lunch time so that her daughter can have her afternoon nap. I am grateful for this help.

It was kind of funny though, because after she left, the playroom was looking loads better, but the dining room was a MESS!!! The table was full of stuff that needed to be put away and there were 4 or 5 boxes randomly stacked against the wall from the playroom. Oh well! One room at a time! She did haul away 4 bags of stuff. Yipee! She was nice enough to say "I will take it to Goodwill right away now, and do I need to take the trash bags also so you don't go digging through them?" I laughed, but assured her that I have overcome enough, that I am not going to do that. On Tuesday I think we will finish up the playroom and move the big desk in. That requires visiting The Shed. Then things get embarrassing. We did discuss strategy and decided that it was best to complete the house before starting in the shed, so I know that we won't be working out there other than to clear the desk of my old business stuff and hauling it out, but I know that I'm gonna have a harder time with that building. I am thinking I might even call the only other person I trust with my junk, our other mutual friend.

I do count myself very fortunate to have these two precious friends. They mean the world to me. I think they were put in my life for a purpose. I trust them completely, and hope they think of me the same way. I only called the one friend first because she is very practical about things. My other friend is more like me sometimes and can get very sentimental. And her dad just died, so I think it might be a little stressful for her. Well I must off be off for the night! Happy decluttering!

Calling for Backup.

Well I did it. I bit the bullet. I phoned a friend. I now have a deadline. November 10 my parents are coming are bringing with them a large piece of equipment that I am going to need space for. So I called my frined, very reluctantly. She asked me why I was so hesitant. I made an analogy. We have a mutual friend who's husband is a family doctor. We shall call him "John". I said to her, "I feel the same way about this as I do about John delivering one of my babies. Everytime I see him I would KNOW that he saw my "Baby Parts". Everytime I see you, I will KNOW you have seen my JUNK!!!!" We laughed and laughed about it. It was funny. But so true. I equate my junk to my nethermost parts. Sad. Very sad. So she will arrive bright and early tomorrow right after all the kids are at school. And we will be getting to work. One room at a time. I hope this works. The studio makes me want to hyperventilate. But it will be attacked and organized and it's going to be so BEAUTIFUL!!!! I'm excited and nervous all over again. And I can't wuss out now. And I can't go back because I called for help. Eek!

The Guilt of Garbage

I have a hard time throwing things away. I admit it. I hate throwing away a baking soda box because I can't recycle it. When I was in 5th grade, my teacher, a well meaning man, went on an enviromentalist rampage at our class. I will never use aerosol hairspray again. And I will always feel guilty when I throw something away that I could have recycled. For instance: I send a single serve applesauce to school with my daughter for lunch. She eats most of it, but leaves some in the container and then puts it back in her lunch pack. Besides making huge mess of the lunch container, the applesauce gets all dried in this container. I pull it out 3 days later and then the debate in my head starts. Do I just toss it? Do I let it soak for two days in the sink and recycle it? On one hand I just want the mess to be gone. On the other hand, I don't want that container sitting in my sink for two days. Seriously. Get a grip woman! Oh the guilt of garbage.

And don't even get me started about throwing away a pair of pants that are perfectly fine except for a little hole in the knee. Yikes!

I'm not happy.

I know, I know. I can hear the groans. Duh. Woman, we could tell. So it is. I am not happy. Why, you may ask? I think the answer is quite simple. I have lost my vision, my dreams. I have been so caught up in laundry and dishes and changing diapers that I have lost the big picture. The journey is not much fun when you are watching your feet all the time. Time to put my chin up again.

I went for a ride this morning after dropping my daughter off at school. I do this every once in awhile. I go for a ride out to this place where I am going to live, someday. And I check out the view and I dream of the house and garden I will have there. It is quite peaceful.

I have a lot of work to do. I ordered a Franklin Covey planner and am reading a book by Peter Walsh (the clean sweep king). Time to hop on the declutter wagon again!

I'm not happy.

Why Can't I Cry?

Why can't I cry? This obstacle before me gives me sorrow. I am sad. I am heartbroken with myself. But I can't cry. My throat clenches up and my chest swells. But I cannot let the tears come. My nose flares and my eyes squint and I WANT to cry. I want to sob for all the sadness around me. But the tears won't come.

How deep do I have to dig to find the source? Will I ever know why I am so sad? Do I need a reason? I have been down this road before and it is a hard road to go down. I have practically disowned my family thinking they were the source of this sadness, but it is not so. What have I done that needs fixing? What do I feel so guilty about?

My home is an outward appearance of how I truly feel about myself. What I said before is true, I don't know if I can LIVE in a CLEAN house. I won't feel right. It won't feel like my home.

Why can't I cry? I feel like if I cry, I will let go that part of me that is so sad and then I can move on. I used to cry at everything. And now I don't.

I looked at organizers today. They made me sad. I thought about doing a "clutter free" program and the thought crossed my mind that it would be like a fad diet. It will work for awhile and I will put down good money on it, but it probably won't last. I need a change. I need to change inside, but I don't know what's wrong. I need lasting change to become better if I ever want to rid myself of the clutter. It is a weird place I have come to. I know that I can't throw money at my problem anymore. I'm still me no matter how much I spend. I'm still me no matter how many lists I make. I still have to live with myself.

Why can't I cry?

Burn Out

I am pooped. Wiped out. BURNED OUT. I don't know how much more of this I can do. I'm exhausted. Of course it's not all from the decluttering. The baby is not sleeping the best. It's wiping me out. I have no ambition to clean my house when I feel like a walking zombie.

I don't even know if it is working. Last night we had company for dinner. This morning my wonderful husband loaded the dishwasher before everyone got up. I feel so slovenly.

Take Away My Junk. Ha. Ha. HA. I think I may have to sign off for awhile. I feel like I haven't made any progress. But I have. My daughter couldn't find any clothes this morning for school.

What a walking oxymoron I am right now. I am so tired I can't see straight. I sure that this isn't even comprehendable. What does it matter? I don't think anyone but me reads it anyway. How uninspiring I am.

Today's goal is to do laundry and get is put away. Then I must start attacking the paperwork clutter. Bills are due today, I know where they are at but I really have no idea how much money we have. Our budget has gone out the window. Ugh ugh UGH!!!

Consumerism

Tonight I decided I needed to be inspired to get my butt in gear. I needed a good book to take my flinging to a new height. I needed a life changing story to help me out. So I went to Amazon and punched in "clutter". Oh crap. Wow. Lotsa Lotsa books. I had no idea that so many other people have this problem. There obviously is a market for these books are there wouldn't be so many out there and so many customer reviews. I decided to order some from the library. No buying! Our finances are strapped.

Well I lied. I'm not done with the laundry. I still have at least one more garbage bag here in the house. And I don't know how much in the shed. The shed is a tough subject with my husband. There is a lot of useless furniture out there, and I don't want to organize it. I would like to load the trailer and haul it all to Goodwill. I tried posting a few things on Craigslist at dirt cheap, but nothing it moving. I guess the next thing to do would be to post an ad in the local paper. I think I"ll try that. Oh! Good news! I'm selling my dishwasher. Husband says it is okay with him. I've proved that I can keep the dishes clean when we don't have a lot. Yipee!

The next project I have is to move the piano. I need to move the piano so that I can bring in the big desk from the shed so I can have an "office" in the house for the bills and other household tasks. Paperwork is a daunting task to me now and I don't know why. It's silly really. I love to file things, but I have stacks and stacks of papers everywhere.

On to my topic. Consumerism. Why is it that when we get into something we need to spend money on it? Why do we buy stuff? What is the purpose of purchase? For me it is turning into a distraction. Why do I buy my kids movies? To entertain them so I can do something else. Why do I buy quilting fabric? To distract myself from the task at hand. Why did my relative buy so many clothes for the kids? She doesn't want them to go without. She is afraid they will go cold.

When did we lose faith? When did we begin to lose focus on what life is about? Why do we fall for the advertising? What is the reasoning behind being so wastful with our resources? My financial resources, natural resources, time resources!! How long can our economy support this trend? I really think that eventually this is going to blow up in our faces and it will be comparable to the Great Depression. Maybe even worse.

Well I guess it is back to the plan. The original plan. I will pray harder. I will re-dedicate myself to my task of living more effectively. Living more simply that I may better serve the Lord.

Waning Ambition

I'd like to say that I haven't posted because I have been in a flinging frenzy. But just the opposite is true. I went through the clothes and sent them to Goodwill. I still have laundry to put away and I just can't get past the end of my nose. I am having an awful time staying motivated. I want to kick myself in the rear. Get going! Get GOING! Your house needs you! Your kids need you! GET GOING!! But here I sit. Blech.

I was able to dispose of 3 garbage bags of clothes. There is still one left that I need to deliver to someone. The back porch is getting full again. I don't know what to do. I am at a stopping point. The shed is impeding my progress. Why can't I get past the shed? I need everything in its place, and a place for everything. I need, I need. I want, I want.

This junk is drowning me. Clutter is selfish. There is so much more I should be doing. I need to stop this pity party and get cracking. I can do this!! I know I can!!

Nudity is our ally.

Hi. My name is Jennifer and I am addicted to clutter. I can't remember when I didn't have clutter in my life. I have tried living without clutter before, and I remember being very uncomfortable. I am surrounded by clutter. I have moved boxes from Wisconsin to NH, and back to WI 5 yrs later. Never unpacked, but oh so valuable. These same boxes are still not unpacked. 3 years later. I am addicted to clutter. For a long time I blamed my clutter on other people. I told myself that it wasn't my fault, people kept giving us stuff. I told myself that I needed these things, just in case. I told myself it wouldn't be nice to get rid of things that people had given to me. I told myself that some things I had spent good money on, and it would be throwing money away to donate it. I am addicted to clutter. There. I admitted it. I feel a little better, but am now wondering how I am going to live without my clutter.

Nudity is our ally. I've decided that a nudist colony is not such a bad idea. You don't have to do laundry. Perhaps I will move to the desert, you don't need seasonal clothes there. Seriously though, I have been running the washer all weekend. The laundry will never be done. I MUST start putting things into the Goodwill bag. I MUST start culling the mountain. I have seven large containers (i.e. large laundry baskets, rubbermaid totes, etc.) sitting in the playroom heaped with various sizes of clothing. That doesn't include my closet. Or towels and linens. Or the couch out in the shed piled HIGH with clothes. These are just the clothes that we wear, or were stored in the boys room. I have to get started on this stuff and I don't want to. My head is going to hurt at the end of the day and my kids, as young as they are, are going to complain. My daughter cannot part with any of her 10 sets of pajamas. Even the 3 or 4 that don't fit. I know it to be necessary to cut down on daily chores and time wasters. There is no real reason to have so many clothes. We can only wear one set of clothes at a time. I have the hardest time sending them to Goodwill though. When am I going to grasp the concept? I have gotten so many good deals on good clothes there, but what is keeping me from sharing my abundance??? Why can't I do this? I can. And I must.

Yesterday on the way home from visiting my husband's parents, we took a little ride past the piece of land that I want to live on. It's not for sale. It's in the middle of nowhere. It is on top of a hill that overlooks a beautiful valley. This is where I want to live. I want a nice long driveway and an efficient home. I want a garden and a dog for my kids. With every bag I bring to donate, I feel like I am getting closer to that piece of land. To that house. The dream and obsession of living there is what is motivating me. Is this right? How disappointed am I going to be if I don't end up being able to live there? There is no where else I want to go. I have driven the county looking for a piece of land in a good proximity to civilization, with a great view, and wide open spaces for my kids to grow. That is my dream. That is the house I want to live in.

Although this is my ultimate dream, I believe that it is not going to happen. I know that I am being prepared for something else. I don't know if it is somethig better than what I have (I can't see how, I feel very blessed with the life I have) or if it is some unmentionable hardship where I will need to dig deep for strength and will have no energy for excess in my life. Oh the drama. Perhaps nothing at all will happen. That is how life really goes.

Today's challenge is to get through the laundry. I'm running on low batteries because the baby isn't sleeping, but all I have to do today is get through the kids wardrobes. If I do nothing else, I will be a happy woman. Minimize! Minimize! Minimize! And you will have the prize!

A small miracle

Let me preface my story by giving some background. I love cloth diapers. They have been a fixation of mine for a few years. This last year, though, I found a great forum about cloth diapers that has a subforum where you can gift items to other members. I love this site, I have learned much from it. Anyway....

I didn't post yesterday because I was running out of steam. I went to bed at 8 PM with the kids. I did about 5 loads of laundry and have been sorting through clothes. The playroom is covered in clothes. I don't know how long this is going to take me, but I believe it will be worth it.

Today in my mailbox there was a package. A wonderful anonymous package. Inside this package was a practically new very expensive diaper. Oh it is beautiful! And it fits my littlest baby. What a blessing! It made me feel so good! It was a wonderful gift! I cried a little I was so happy. I am still so happy about this! As I was admiring it (for a good 20 minutes!) The thought occured to me. THIS is a blessing. This is what I get when I bring a load of stuff to goodwill. It has infused me with energy and inspired me to continue and press forward in this endeavor!!! Although I know that I am not going to get a $35 diaper in the mail for every bag I send away, I know that things are going to get better. We will be blessed as a family if we continue with simplifying and living modestly.

When you give the Lord your best, He will bless you in more ways than one. My kitchen is STILL clean! And I got a beautiful diaper in the mail from someone I've never met. It just make me smile. I love it.

Just Blah

I'm tired. It is exhausting making decisions all day what do to with your junk. I have considered the kitchen a victory. It's wonderful. I love how the dishes are DONE all the time!

With the momentem of the kitchen, I moved on to the laundry. What an ardous task ahead of me. There are mountains of clothes. It feels wasteful to be getting rid of all these clothes, but what else can I do with them? I have no one to pawn them off on. What a waste. I am going to enjoy my minimalist life.

Letting Go

I did it. Today I did it. I took my first bag to Goodwill. I almost had heart palpitations doing it, but I did it. One large bag, gone. You can't hardly tell around the house, but it is a huge first step. I know I won't miss anything in that bag, but it still pangs a bit and I don't know why. I am beginning to part with my junk. It is exciting and terrifying all at once.

On other issues, I don't know if I can bring myself to give away the stuff that I know could make me money on Ebay. I have a basket full of maternity clothes that I could probably get about $30 for and I weigh it in my mind. It is heavy. On the one hand, it would be gone, no worries, someone else could use it and I wouldn't have to haul it again. On the other hand, that's $30. We are broke.

I need to revisit my plan. Yeah, THAT plan. I must act in faith. I know that if I give the Lord my best, I will be blessed. But isn't $30 a blessing? I have taken that first step in faith and now I have to follow up on this. I NEED to give it away to truly "cleanse my soul" of the "sin" of gluttony. Yep. I am a glutton to my clutter. Ew. Sick. Wrong. Just typing it makes me queasy.

Now a new issue. My generous relative has given us lots of nice clothes. I am assuming in the anticipation that we will keep re-using them. I do anticipate using a few things, but I don't think I can use ALL of the things. My two older boys have entirely different builds and are basically in the same size right now. Even though they are two years apart. I"m not sure which side of the family my youngest has taken after yet. This is my dilemma for the boys clothes. The girls clothes is another whole story. Even if I was pregnant right this minute (thank goodness no) Those clothes would have to be stored for 6 YEARS to be used. Even then, who knows if the second girl would have the same build as my first. How do I clear out these clothes with offending or hurting feelings? What am I afraid of that I can't do this?

The dishes. Well so far so good. I think it is actually working. The dishes are all done and I don't even feel like I did them. Dinner was cleaned up in a snap. It was amazing. The kids are excited to help and get some Mom time all to themselves if they want to rinse or dry and put away. There aren't cups all over the house. My two year old is getting used to the idea that if he gets a drink his cup has to make it back to the sink so he can find it the next time. Why didn't I think of this sooner? Less IS more! I love it!

Tomorrow I need to address the clothes issue and I'm not looking forward to it. I think I am going to have to actually talk to the generous relative and ask if she wants some of the things back. Ugh. Makes me feel rather ungrateful, but I am tired of drowning in clothes everywhere I step upstairs. I need each potty trained child to have about one load of laundry. Total. Otherwise, it just gets to be too much. Wish me luck!

Be careful what you wish for.

What a weekend. Monday's are always hard to me because I get spoiled all weekend and then my husband goes back to work. This weekend was a little different for us.

Friday night, as my husband and I were laying in bed, I asked him what he had planned for the next day. He said he wasn't sure. We had a wedding reception to go to in the afternoon and that was about it. I asked him if maybe he wanted to get the driveway cleaned up. There has been a few random piles out there for awhile now and it' not something I can do by myself because of kids and such. He said that was a good possibility. Then I made a request. I suggested that maybe he should try to stay off the computer for the day, and we might get something done. He agreed to it, which really made me happy.

Saturday morning comes around. After a rough night with the baby, I passed him off at 6 AM and requested at least another hour of uninterrupted sleep. Wish granted. Thank you. I come downstairs to husband eating breakfast and 4 happily playing kids. I sit down at the computer. Husband goes into the kitchen and starts unloading the dishwasher. I'm occupied checking my email. I hear dishes being put away, water running, kids laughing with each other, and then 'Honey can you come here?' Oh my! I'm being summoned by HIM! This hardly ever happens, so I get up and go see. He practically whispers to me, "If I have to stay off the computer, do you think you can too?" Oh. WOW. Um....I guess I had to, huh? I responded optimistically and went and finished up my work and turned off the computer. We never turned it on again until this morning. It was great. Sometimes during the day on Saturday we decided that the computer is going to be off EVERY weekend from now on. We actually discussed it. We sat down together, paying very close attention to one another and had a great conversation. We were forced to socialize due to the fact that neither one of us could escape to our distraction. Then we discussed the possibility of keeping the computer off during the day during the week. EEeekkkk!!! It has brought a different atmosphere into our home.

On to the war on clutter! Headlining our weekend was a trailer load of trash gone to the dump! WOO HOOO!!! It felt terrific! We worked as a family to load it up with stuff only from the driveway. Lately we had a lot of work done (siding, windows, roof) on our home and the dumpster had some overflow that never got picked up. Into the trailer it went. We had to fix a rotten wall in the shower last spring. Tiles and rotten sheetrock piled in as well. We even had a couple garbage cans (full) from when we first moved here and cleaned out the premises from the previous owners. It's about time, I'd say.

Other exciting news is happening in the kitchen. I'm testing out the less is more theory by making every have only one set of dishes. Yep. You heard me. ONE set. This started today, so we will see where it takes us. All the kids have ONE plate and ONE bowl and ONE cup. Husband and I? One plate, one bowl, one cup. How are we to do this you ask? Well, dishes get cleaned right after being used. No ifs and or buts. They gotta be taken care of. It should be interesting to see how long it takes my 2 year old to lose his cup. The "plan" is to get everyone a nice water bottle for Christmas so we don't have to be rinsing water cups all day. If we can keep this up, I think that will be the reward. And what exactly is the payoff for having so few dishes? My thought is that I will no longer be finding cups and plates under the couch, hiding in the recliner or otherwise lost to the known hiding places of this home. If you lose your dish, you cannot eat. I am still debating in my mind whether I have created more work or less. I hand washed all the dishes after dinner tonight. If I keep it up for two weeks, I'm selling the portable dishwasher. It makes the kitchen crowded and what's the use of keeping it if I can keep up with the dishes. It would also eliminate the pile of junk sitting on TOP of the dishwasher. The other point of this exercise is teaching my kids how to wash dishes.

This is all a small step though. The bigger step will be when I can actually part with the dishes I boxed up and put on the back porch. That is the true test. I can have all the intentions in the world to declutter, but nothing will come of it until I actually part from my stuff and send it somewhere where it may actually be used and appreciated more. A huge part of me wants to cling to that box. I can't actually bring myself to put it in the car and drop it off at Goodwill. I don't know if I can. What if I might need dishes for company? One of the plates was a wedding present from my sister. I don't use it, I don't need it, but it was a gift! From my sister! What kind of person gives away a wedding gift from their sister? Eegads. I am an awful person for this. This is what I am telling myself. My oldest son was rather upset also. He wanted his Superman AND Spiderman plate, cup and bowl. This make me feel like I am depriving my middle son of his Backyardigans plate, because I chose the Lightening McQueen set. Me oh my. This is emotionally trying. Can we survive with just ONE set of dishes per person? How long does that box need to clutter up the back porch before I will part with it?

The other question weighing heavily on my mind is whether or not I can handle living in a clean home. Will I feel comfortable in my own skin if it has been scrubbed clean? Am I ready to do that? Have I been living like this for so long, that I won't be able to NOT live like this? If my home is clean, then what will become of me? My purpose for so long has been to clean up everything. If I minimize and efficientize (I made that one up) my home so that I don't spend all my time cleaning, what am I going to do? There won't be anymore mess to conquer. I won't be the hero at the end of the day who saved the closet from certain destruction. I won't have a mountain of laundry to distract me for three straight days and the dishes won't take at least an hour every single day.

This is perhaps the hardest part of change for everyone. If I conquer this demon, what is next? Am I ready to grow in this direction? Oh I am frightened now. I am scared of the potential within me. If my house is clean, it means I do not have any excuses when my darling children want me to read one more book. There won't be a just cause for not going to the park. I might actually have the time to be a better mother. But do I have the courage? The prospect is rather daunting. What is holding me back? My dreams are within reach. This is all I ever wanted, and I am having thoughts of running the other way. It is wrenching. What kind of awful person looks opportunity in the eye and shrinks in cowardice? There is also another perspective. Do I deserve a clean home?

A clean home is something that good people get. Good hardworking sweet women live in clean homes. I am sometimes callous and lazy. I am scattered in my working and in my thoughts. I often feel unworthy of clutter free spaces and dust free knick knacks. That's what good people have. I am not a good person, I am a lousy friend and impatient mother. I don't even make a lunch for my husband everyday. Shame on me!

How am I to overcome myself? If I do continue to clean my home, and I do somehow manage to streamline myself into efficiency, than how am I to live with myself? What am I hiding from? What am I running from? What is in me that I must become?

I suppose this is where I need to stick to the plan. That ever simple and almost ridiculous plan. I need to pray for strength to overcome myself. I need to pray. I know that my Heavenly Father is blessing my efforts already. I know that there is a purpose in this endeavor. I know that in order to not be the slothful servant I need to finish what I start. I am beginning to wonder what I started though. I am nervous, anxious and exhilarated even to think of what lies ahead for me. Now I must plow through my insecurities and trust in the Lord. I asked for help, and get it I shall.

Be careful what you wish for.