Why Can't I Cry?

Why can't I cry? This obstacle before me gives me sorrow. I am sad. I am heartbroken with myself. But I can't cry. My throat clenches up and my chest swells. But I cannot let the tears come. My nose flares and my eyes squint and I WANT to cry. I want to sob for all the sadness around me. But the tears won't come.

How deep do I have to dig to find the source? Will I ever know why I am so sad? Do I need a reason? I have been down this road before and it is a hard road to go down. I have practically disowned my family thinking they were the source of this sadness, but it is not so. What have I done that needs fixing? What do I feel so guilty about?

My home is an outward appearance of how I truly feel about myself. What I said before is true, I don't know if I can LIVE in a CLEAN house. I won't feel right. It won't feel like my home.

Why can't I cry? I feel like if I cry, I will let go that part of me that is so sad and then I can move on. I used to cry at everything. And now I don't.

I looked at organizers today. They made me sad. I thought about doing a "clutter free" program and the thought crossed my mind that it would be like a fad diet. It will work for awhile and I will put down good money on it, but it probably won't last. I need a change. I need to change inside, but I don't know what's wrong. I need lasting change to become better if I ever want to rid myself of the clutter. It is a weird place I have come to. I know that I can't throw money at my problem anymore. I'm still me no matter how much I spend. I'm still me no matter how many lists I make. I still have to live with myself.

Why can't I cry?