A spring, A summer, A fall and now winter.

Hello there. It's been awhile! I've been busy settling into my new home, distracted with writing a book and watching my baby grow into a toddler. Life has been a little hectic. It's Christmas Eve. These last few years a disdain for all things holidays has grown with in my pysche. It makes me sad that I don't like Christmas all that much. This year I thought that I had conquered the beast, that I was actually enjoying the holiday season! It has changed all of a sudden.

Even though this past week has brought a new package in the mail every day, I hate getting the mail. If we get one more medical bill, I do believe we will have to file for bankruptcy. I don't know how people afford to get sick. At the end of this summer, one of my boys broke his leg. On top of the $650 a month we pay in premiums, we had to pay about $1500 out of pocket for services provided. Then one of my kids had a 104 fever and started complaining of stomach pain. I thought he might have appendicitis, so my husband took him to the emergency room to get checked out. It was a virus and we ended up paying $700 to find this out. I'm starting to feel like an idiot. Only an idiot throws away money like that. We live on one income, and it's not like we live high on the horse. I don't think we will ever get out of this hole of medical bills.

The latest development is a dental bill. I took three of the kids to get cleanings to the new dentist in town who replaced the retiring dentist. I made a very wrong assumption that he would have the same coverage as the old dentist. That was a big mistake that will now cost our family $800.

We still have not paid off the hospital and clinic for the birth or our last child. We still owe the clinic about $900 and the hospital about $1500. We pay everyone a little bit each month. Right now though, it looks like all the little bits are going to starve us to death. I am grateful to have food in the house, and the ability to make just about anything from scratch. Eating out is out of the question. I feel like I am turning into a pioneer. I may turn off all the lights and stop using the indoor plumbing just to save money.

Many may read this and say "Why don't you apply for state assistance?" Well, we can't. We don't qualify. My husband makes just enough over the limit where we are out of the income guidelines. If he made just a little bit less, we could live much better. How sick and twisted is that? Instead, we choose to better ourselves and it is crippling us and our children. So I think of our options, perhaps I should start working. But I don't know where I could work, and honestly, it would cost more to have someone watch that kids. I am at a loss as to what I can do from home with the means I have. I want to quilt again, but I don't have a machine and I don't see how the continually downward spiraling economy would support such a notion.

One more medical bill and I think it will be the straw that broke the camel's back.