Am I selfish? Am I prideful?

I know this is supposed to be a blog about decluttering. Let's face it though, every clutter issue has a mental issue attached to it. There is something in our minds that affects why we find the need to collect, not let go, and not pick up our stuff and send it on it's way.

Lately I have been wondering if I am selfish. And prideful. Why? Well, selfish. Let's start there. I have been accused on more than one occasion by people totally unrelated of being selfish. Yes, me, selfish. The idea at the time was preposterous. I was accused of being selfish because, on one occasion, the person had lent me their car for a day so I wouldn't need a ride to work. Then they expected me to somehow return the favor. I was broke, had no means to feed myself other than a credit card and had to walk everywhere. I was stumped. What could I do? I thought that they were just being nice and did not expect anything in return. Boy was I wrong! But they never actually said that they wanted something in return. So was that selfish? To think that they were just being nice, because they could? On another occasion I was accused of being selfish when I decided to not go to a family member's wedding. I was 1200 miles away, freshly pregnant (i.e. trying not to puke all day) and my husband could not get time off from work because it was a busy time of year. Like he was working 60 hours a week and if he took 5 days off (minimum time to drive there, attend said wedding, and drive back) he probably would have been replaced. I also had three kids 5 and under. Driving two days with three little kids to go to a big party for a day and then driving 2 days back all the while trying not to throw up does not sound like a walk in the park. It sounds like cruel and unusual punishment. Was I selfish to say, I just can't do it? I mean, yah, I know you only get married once, but hey, you didn't even come to my ceremony and didn't have half the 'excuses' I did. So I got chewed out about that decision. And accused of being selfish.

Everytime I ask my husband if I am selfish, his response is always the same. "Selfish people don't have more than two kids." But I don't find this statement entirely true. Having kids gets me out of a lot of stuff I don't really want to do. Like go to weddings. So perhaps, I am a little selfish. Because I like being a mom, I like the life I have because of the kids. I like that I don't have to get up at a set time every morning per se, and "go" to a job. Heck, I like my job here at home. It's very flexible and keeps me quite occupied. So, am I selfish because I had kids so I could do what I want to do all day everyday? I think I might be.

Now on to the prideful question. Right now, we are between a rock and a hard place. I am 6 months pregnant, have 4 kids, and my husband is working 1200 miles away. He has a great job there and makes a decent wage. I love that. He is very concerned about me having to be here by myself when baby comes if the house doesn't sell. He makes decent money, but not enough to support a second mortgage or renting a place. And besides that, we can't find anyone who wants to rent to us. Unless we want to live in the ghetto. Or a crack house. Because nice places like to stay nice and when you say you have a herd of children, they run the other way. Why? Because kids get a bad rap these days because they can be disrespectful to other people things. Like houses. I'd like to think that my kids are decent, and that this wouldn't be a problem, but I'm sure every landlord has had a bad experience with someone who has oodles of kids and no rules and a lawless household. Heck, we rented our house to a friend who had four kids and they did just that. Trashed our house. I can see why no one wants to rent to us. They don't know us. They just see oodles of little people and oodles of potential damage. Anyway, back to the pride question. A generous bystander of our situation has offered to cover our mortgage so that we could afford to rent a place, and be all together. We have refused. Why? Well, we don't want to feel beholden to them. We don't want to feel like we owe them something. We don't know at what price this offer comes. We don't want help. Then there is a childcare issue. I am by myself right now with a house full of children with needs. And my belly is getting bigger by the day. There is no such thing as "alone time" or "privacy" or "a break". It is physically and mentally and emotionally draining. I think I'm coping okay. There is one person who shall remain nameless, who is more than happy to come and take the kids for the day. The whole day. She comes early in the morning, and then I go pick them up around 5 pm. It is a nice respite in the midst of this scenerio I am playing out. The only catch is, that when I pick up my kids I hear all sorts of neat stories about their day. And I wonder what the long term effects on their behavior will be. These breaks happen about once a week, sometimes twice. I often use the time to do projects around the house that I normally cannot do. Like paint the bathroom or go out to the shed and sort through boxes for hours on end. These are not things I can concentrate on with my herd under foot. These are things that need to be done in order to move.

Am I prideful to think that I don't want my kids going to visit this person? They are afterall, helping me immensely by giving me the time I need to get caught up on things. They are giving me quiet time to regroup. Is it prideful to refuse help that can sometimes be backhanded and come back to bite you later in different forms? Or even just the fear of that happening prevent you from doing it? Is is selfish of me to not want my kids exposed to that? Just throwing it out there. I don't have anyone to vent at today. I needed to get this off my chest.